The Vegan Gold Star
I am still coming to terms with how people talk to me as if I'm the vegan confessional and tell me about why they eat meat when they find out I don't.
And so I present, the Genuine Vegan Gold Star. Print it out, put it in your wallet or on your office wall. It's from a genuine vegan!
I ________________ am hereby given full approval and endorsement by Veggie Geek the Duchess of Freakbiscuit, who represents all vegans, for the following activity:
_____ A) For not eating cute animals. I am able to feel empathy for certain animals because they hit the right spot in my brain to trigger maternal/paternal feelings. Ugly animals like chickens are hereby ok to torture because their eyes are beady.
_____ B) For finding within myself the fortitude to laugh when faced with seeing terrible suffering. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, but who cares. Writhing pigs are kind of funny, right?
_____ C) For being grossed out by eating "weird" animals from other cultures. Vegans love to hear about how I think I ate rabbits or dogs or snakes because those are icky animals and it creates common ground for us.
_____ D) For loving my cats and dogs so much that I buy them stuff for Christmas. Since I love my pets, any harm I may inflict on other animals doesn't count.
_____ E) For talking about meat for over an hour whenever I am reminded that someone at the table is vegan. Vegans love to hear about all the places I've eaten pigs, cows and chickens. Their reticence about participating in the frivolity is just because they're hungry.
_____ F) For allowing my boyfriend/girlfriend/partner's dietary preferences to dicate my own. Hey, we're a team, so if he/she eats meat, I sort of have to. Just because we vote differently, drive different cars, like different books and otherwise act as independant human beings doesn't mean I can eat what I want. My hands are tied.
_____ G) For basing my dietary choices upon not making any waves or being different. I'll tear someone a new one if they take my parking spot, but asking a waiter to hold the cheese is making too much trouble.
_____ H) For wanting to help people so much that I can't be vegetarian. People are more important than animals. C'mon, you can't really love humans if you don't eat animals.
_____ I) For wearing the gorgeous skins of mink, rabbits, foxes or other fur-bearing animals. They're so soft and beautiful. And after all, it's fashion! It's girlish high spirits to wear such "bling." No harm done, right?
The above named individual is hereby granted vegan amesty for any and all acts of harm to animals. No other vegan or vegetarian may approach or comment upon the activities of this person. No other thought or action is required from this person to hereby be granted the status of Good Person from her royal majesty, Duchess Freakbiscuit of the Vegans.
And so I present, the Genuine Vegan Gold Star. Print it out, put it in your wallet or on your office wall. It's from a genuine vegan!
The Vegan Gold Star
I ________________ am hereby given full approval and endorsement by Veggie Geek the Duchess of Freakbiscuit, who represents all vegans, for the following activity:
_____ A) For not eating cute animals. I am able to feel empathy for certain animals because they hit the right spot in my brain to trigger maternal/paternal feelings. Ugly animals like chickens are hereby ok to torture because their eyes are beady.
_____ B) For finding within myself the fortitude to laugh when faced with seeing terrible suffering. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, but who cares. Writhing pigs are kind of funny, right?
_____ C) For being grossed out by eating "weird" animals from other cultures. Vegans love to hear about how I think I ate rabbits or dogs or snakes because those are icky animals and it creates common ground for us.
_____ D) For loving my cats and dogs so much that I buy them stuff for Christmas. Since I love my pets, any harm I may inflict on other animals doesn't count.
_____ E) For talking about meat for over an hour whenever I am reminded that someone at the table is vegan. Vegans love to hear about all the places I've eaten pigs, cows and chickens. Their reticence about participating in the frivolity is just because they're hungry.
_____ F) For allowing my boyfriend/girlfriend/partner's dietary preferences to dicate my own. Hey, we're a team, so if he/she eats meat, I sort of have to. Just because we vote differently, drive different cars, like different books and otherwise act as independant human beings doesn't mean I can eat what I want. My hands are tied.
_____ G) For basing my dietary choices upon not making any waves or being different. I'll tear someone a new one if they take my parking spot, but asking a waiter to hold the cheese is making too much trouble.
_____ H) For wanting to help people so much that I can't be vegetarian. People are more important than animals. C'mon, you can't really love humans if you don't eat animals.
_____ I) For wearing the gorgeous skins of mink, rabbits, foxes or other fur-bearing animals. They're so soft and beautiful. And after all, it's fashion! It's girlish high spirits to wear such "bling." No harm done, right?
The above named individual is hereby granted vegan amesty for any and all acts of harm to animals. No other vegan or vegetarian may approach or comment upon the activities of this person. No other thought or action is required from this person to hereby be granted the status of Good Person from her royal majesty, Duchess Freakbiscuit of the Vegans.
posted by Veggie Geek | 9:16 PM
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